Her Version…Let me start out by saying, uncomfortable…is how I felt when Vince suggested this topic?!? Why? I was taught that finances are a “personal matter, not to be discussed publicly”. But I managed to work through my feeling.
So… while attending the Women in Cable Telecommunication (WICT) conference in NYC, I’d decided to test the waters with our topic for this month – “What happens if she is the breadwinner?” What’s the impact? What advice would you offer to others?
Well, I thought, what better place than this conference full of women to gather feedback from successful women of many ethnicities, backgrounds, and ages? And yep, just like the diversity represented at the conference, the feedback collected was all over the place. Here is some of what i heard.
When she is the breadwinner…
- What? Are we in competition?
- Yeah, he is the breadwinner, but without my credit, our interest rate on the mortgage would have been unbearable.
- It could really be a win-win, especially if it allows us both to do what we love.
- What’s mine is mine and what’s his is mine… So it’s no big deal. ***(My favorite)
- It’s better to stay single, b/c if something goes wrong, I would be pissed if he asked for anything that I’ve worked so hard to build.
- Men feel like they aren’t contributing and it can cause a huge ripple in the marriage…Sometimes even DIVORCE!
- If I stayed at home and He worked, would he feel like i was not contributing?
This feedback really made me think. Here goes…So personally I believe that there are others elements required to have a successful marriage. For starters, what works in one marriage may not work in others. It’s good to get advice from those around you but, this is a conversation that every couple should have (ALONE), hopefully before marriage. And if for whatever reason the conversation didn’t take place before you said “I do”, that’s okay.
Honestly, the only thing (other that God) around us that is constant is change. With the ups and downs in the economy, companies downsizing, and more women entering the workforce due to inflation, the pre-marriage agreement that you made could change at the drop of a dime. So, long story short, always be open and honest with your mate about your feelings and work together to determine what’s best for your family.
His Version…Okay, I’ve got a confession. My wife makes more money than I do. In fact, she’s always made more money than me, the Man, the Head Honcho, Big Daddy! How does that make me feel, you ask? Honestly, it’s never been an issue for me. That might sound odd to most men but my answer in grounded in two things:
- A profound understanding of who I am in God’s order. “For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.” [EPH 5:23 KJV]
- A holistic perspective on what it means to provide.
God has purposed me to be the head of my marriage and thus the head of my house and if you continue on in Chapter 5 of Ephesians (and any other book in the Bible) you will not find any language where God requires man to earn a certain dollar amount as a prerequisite to lead or provide for his family. But what does it mean to provide?
We as men are wired to be providers. It’s our calling. It’s how God made us. We define ourselves and allow others to define us by the type of jobs we have which most often correlate with how much money we earn. But when we come up against our better half who already (or may soon) earn more than us, we tend to lose ourselves. We suddenly feel vulnerable and begin to question our ability to provide. Our frustration from a bruised ego may manifest itself through petty arguments or sly comments directed toward our wives.
Experience has taught me to take a holistic perspective on what it means to provide. The dictionary defines the word as, “making arrangements for supplying means of support”. While I’m not the primary breadwinner, I had to learn and understand that if I failed to provide, my wife could fall short in emotional, spiritual, physical and mental support; not to mention a diminished sense of security. The takeaway from my perspective is challenging you to provide for your wife in the following ways:
- Listening and Communication with your wife
- Daily prayer with your wife
- Intimacy with your wife
- Partnering to complete daily chores/tasks around the house
- Actively participate in all day to day responsibilities regarding the child[ren].
Our Version...Remember when you say/said your vows….I, ____, take you, ____, to be my lawfully wedded(husband/wife), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.
With that, there is not a single solution to this scenario. Communicating with your mate is the first step to figuring out your options as a couple. Second, be sensitive to your mates position, as he/she might be dealing with messages embedded during their childhood or pressure from societies expectations. Last, keep in mind marriage is not 50/50, it’s not a roommate situation where everything is split down the middle (bills, dinner tabs, time spent with kids a week, etc). Marriage actually requires 100 percent from each partner. If each of you agree to concentrate on bringing your WHOLE SELF to the table, you might find that your unique composition compliments one another to equal “Your Marriage”.
If a third party is needed seek counseling. It may even be in both of your best interest to get a pre-nuptial.