First Topic: Communicating Through The Pain

His Version….As my wife Monica and I took a much needed but well deserved trip to Ocho Rios, Jamaica, we (okay, she) decided that being away on vacation would be a perfect opportunity to randomly poll couples on their perspective of communication during the “not so good” chapters in marriage.

Admittedly, I was at first reluctant and thought to myself, “who wants to be bothered by some stranger randomly asking thought provoking questions?” After all, this was the best opportunity to “dumb down” for a few days and not have to think critical thoughts. But the more Monica talked about this short homework assignment and reminded me of the purpose behind it all, I agreed. Got to start somewhere!

We agreed that she would poll the women and I would poll the men and together we would share some insights from a “his” and “her” perspective. Of course, I’m giving you the “his” perspective.

I talked to several men during my vacay and presented the following questions:
1. Following an argument, after the cool down period, what do you do to initiate conversation?
2. Rate the importance of communication in marriage and explain “why”?
3. What are some of the guidelines and guardrails you have established when communicating?
The responses I received were surprising but also familiar at the same time. Let me explain with a bit of transparency.

I have been happily married for 11 years. The first few years, like many marriages, things were a bit rocky. So much so, the rocky times almost had my marriage on the rocks! But, glory to God, Monica and I have been able to rebound and keep it together. Now, I dare not speak for her. The one thing that I’ve learned is I must be responsible for my own faults and shortcomings. In order to do that, I had to recognize what they were. First, I am a poor communicator at best. Quite ironic when you consider my law degree combined with a human resource background wrapped up in extroverted traits and characteristics. I can talk to anyone and if put to the test, could probably sell water to a whale. But when it comes to Monica…crickets. I cannot hold my own when we are in verbal conflict. The white flag goes up and I shut down.

Second, I’m a fleer. In other words, I like to walk out when things aren’t going so good.  A strong sense of how detrimental such actions were to my marriage combined with Monica threatening to separate from me should I keep fleeing was a quick remedy for such behavior and I cleaned that up fast. While I have not completely escaped that urge when Monica and I are at odds, I am careful to flee while inside the house rather than outside the house. So there you have it. I am a poor communicator when having to talk to my wife and I like to flee, albeit in the confines of my own home.

Now let’s get back to the feedback I received based upon my questions and the insights shared. From the small sample of men I interviewed, a majority of them admitted to doing little to nothing, if anything at all to initiate conversation following an argument. Quite frankly, when I asked the question of “what do you do to initiate conversation”, I received the famous blank stare. Quite frankly, I am also guilty of giving such a stare. One of the men (let’s call him Jim) noted that he waits for a reasonable time, but not too long, for the cool down period to take its course before approaching his wife to discuss the issues around the argument. Jim, who coaches women’s basketball, recalled a time where he got on one of his players for making a bad play during practice. Minutes later, Jim resumed coaching the practice. A few months later, Jim noticed that the same player whom he criticized was not as responsive to his coaching as she once was and acted differently. Jim says that when he spoke to the player about her behavior, she informed him that she was still upset over the episode where he criticized her for making a bad play months earlier! Jim admits to being surprised by what his player said. Jim acknowledged that he had forgot all about that episode and moved on.

Jim says that in the context of marriage, we act similarly. In other words, we will verbally spar with our spouse but we get over it, move on quickly and the event becomes a distant afterthought. Women on the other hand may tend to internalize what was said and/or done in an argument. Oftentimes, the women have not forgotten and don’t feel the same as we do about moving forward until the issues around what caused the argument are discussed.
During a small roundtable discussion, three men (let’s call them Danny, Chris, and Les) acknowledged and agreed that communication is vitally important in marriage. Furthermore, they agreed that if there is little to no communication, it can lead to other issues.
Danny expressed the importance of being heard when communicating with his wife. He said that he does not like conflict in his marriage but agreed that it is a necessary part of being married and it will occur from time to time. Danny explained his wife does not always take time to hear and understand his side during communication and this in turn leads to him to shut down.
Chris agreed with Danny’s point and added that if gaps in communication are not identified and fixed, it can cost one’s marriage.
Les noted that communication is very important and due to the demands of his job which often keeps him away from home, he has to be creative with how he opens the door to communicate. Les admits that he enjoys cooking and is the primary cook in his household so he likes to cook a nice dinner for his wife and communicate over food.
Danny, Chris and Les agreed that communication with their wives is a constant work in progress.

As for the guidelines and guardrails when communicating, Jim stressed that we must not allow ourselves to go to bed angry not having communicated over the issue at hand. Easier said than done but Jim warns not to let too much time pass by before communicating through the issue.
Danny, Chris and Les said they have not established any unique guardrails or guidelines when communicating with their wives. I got the sense that it’s difficult for we men to establish something for which we don’t like to do – engage in a deeper level of communication. I could tell that this particular question would have Danny, Chris and Les pondering the possibilities going forward and preparing for the next opportunity to communicate.

Her Version…. Think back to a situation in your marriage that has caused you pain. If you are married, I’m sure you didn’t have to think back very far, lol 🙂

In preparing to write on this topic I set out to interview a few women to better understand what others thought. Women shared scenarios ranging from their spouse getting frustrated when they give them feedback, a spouse that is physically present but not actively engaged, dealing with an ex, unsuccessfully trying to conceive, to overcoming infidelity in the marriage.  What did others do to overcome it?

They told me things like:

  • Communication was the key
  • Both spouses have to want their marriage
  • Counseling (both individual and together)
  • Listening when your spouse talks to you
  • Not blaming the others
  • Authenticity
  • Being honest with my self first
  • Not focusing on what you want
  • Concentrating on giving
  • Assigning specific task
  • Being open to feedback
  • Don’t always listen on the defensive
  • Acknowledge / Reward progress
  • Hold back from the negative feedback

After digesting all the comments/suggestions I’m convinced – Regardless of the scenario there was a common thread to what was done to work through both the issue and the pain. If I had to bucketize (is this really a word, lol) all the feedback I would use these three characteristics to describe what effective communication looks like in a marriage:

  1. Vulnerability,***Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness. (Brene Brown)
  2. Listening for understanding (not thinking about your rebuttals), and
  3. Owning the problem and the solution together.

What tangible advice would they offer to another couple?
1. Be clear about whatever it is (I.e. roles and responsibilities, your feeling, your needs, your perception based on your experiences, your pain)
2. Write it down and be intentional about follow up activities to discuss progress. Schedule regular family meetings (couples’ meetings) to discuss or review the following:
– What were the goals?
– How did we do?
– What are our goals next week?

Then I heard a the word that caused butterflies in my inner being. That word was Covering?!?! All kinds of questions starting flowing through my mind.
What does this mean? What does it look like? How is it modeled in a marriage?Why is it important?

During my quiet time, I was reminded of an incident that occurred earlier this summer that made it clear for me. About a month ago, our son had an issue at work where his boss physically put his hands on him. Jalen knew if he called Vince and I we would cover him and handle the situation. He was confident that we would show up, actively support him, chastise him for his contribution to the conflict, but nevertheless we would stand along side him until the issue was resolved (unconditional love). That brings me to item number three ~ 3. Women need to know that they are covered. Why?

The perception of and/or lack of covering (protection) directly impacts trust. Broken trust can cause pain and if not properly managed it can negatively manifest itself in a marriage, by way of a hurting spouse. Remember, hurting people hurt people. Don’t let pain reck havoc in your marriage – keep the lines of communication open and work together to address conflict.

Our Version…. First and foremost – Pray TOGETHER before and after any discussion where you have differing opinions.  When communicating through the pain, remember…. 

  • It’s important not to delay communication,
  • Listen to what your spouse is sharing with you, and
  • Find a place of agreement to reach a resolution.

Finally, be intentional and set aside time to check your partners’ love tank.