Fighting Fair: What have you done to contribute to the fight? What can you do/say to ensure a “fair fight”?
His Version
In last month’s blog, “What’s Love Got to Do With It?” I mentioned how my wife and I on more than one occasion had fussed and fought to the point to where we contemplated separating. In this month’s blog, I want to stay parked on the fussing and fighting part. Let’s face it, if you stay married long enough, you and your spouse are going to fight and some of those fights are going to get pretty intense. If you’re honest with yourself, two things have probably already occurred: 1.) You fought with your spouse and; 2.) You played a part in either contributing to and/or escalating the fight.
I recall a time where my wife and I were arguing (can’t remember what the argument was about) but I remember her telling me, “You make me sick!” and I quickly responded, “Well then go to the doctor.” We were heading somewhere together so you know that was a quiet car ride. But looking back on that argument, I first ask myself, “What did I do to contribute to that fight?” I’m sure I did something but my amnesia is kicking in again. What I do remember is that response I made. Certainly my response wasn’t good and probably a factor in escalating my wife’s anger. I believe that in order to fight fair, you must first recognize what you’ve done to contribute to the fight whether in action or words. Doing this should help to humble you during your point of anger and frustration but also put the fight in proper perspective and in some cases deter you from fighting altogether.
Second, James 1:19 tells us to be “quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger”. This is a great step to ensuring a “fair fight”. The last thing you want is to say or do something that you will regret. Through experience, some of the tactics I’ve used to fight fair are:
– Lowering my voice
– Not retreating from the fight
– Refrain from cursing
– Listening rather than over talking
– Being willing to apologize for my part in the fight but also challenging my wife to understand my point of view
I know this is all easier said than done and admittedly, it’s taken a lot of practice and we’re still not perfect but next time you sense a fight brewing, ask yourself, “What have I done to contribute to the fight?” and “What can I do to fight fair?”
Her Version
When my hubby suggested we blog about “fighting fair”, I’ll admit my initial response was…”What kinda of questions/metaphors are these?”
In my mind these questions all sound like an oxymoron; Better yet, the questions were more like cliché topics that people who are NOT married or in a relationship discussed over dinner.
Be honest, when you are in the midst of a “heated debate”, who really thinks of these questions? And who wants to be reminded about what they should or should not do when they are pissed?
Immediately, I thought about that time Vince pissed me off and I actually told him to leave and take our youngest son with him. I was heated and I was determined that I was not going to be a struggling single mother with 2 kids. I was leaving the marriage with exactly what I entered with, code word meaning: MY biological son from a previous relationship.
Ohhh, not so nice, huh?!? Yeah I know now. However then, in my mind and in the heat of that moment, I felt justified in my thought process. But thinking back, what if my children would have heard that? How could a statement like that impact both my sons’ self-esteem or make either of them question their mother’s love for them? What’s my point? Let me ask it this way:
When you don’t make a conscious decision to fight fair, who are you potentially hurting?
Then I thought, my grandmother used to always say tell me “a gentle response turns away wrath.” Honestly, I never really understood what that meant until I said “I DO”.
What does this have to do with marriage? Well, given the fact I’ve had to live and learn just a little, I’d like to share my lessons learned. Note to self – my objective is only to share my experience with the hope of minimizing your risk of inadvertently impacting someone’s soul in a moment of haste.
So here goes, my 5 rules of engagement in a heated debates are:
1. Always PRAY before you begin the conversation.
2. You have to be honest with yourself, before you can be honest with anyone else.
3. Listen.
***Instead of thinking about your response to what the other person is saying
4. Be clear about what you need.
5. Focus on the issue at hand verses everything that happened last week that you fail to bring to their attention.
I challenge you, the next time you and your spouse get in a heated debate, stop and ask yourself, how does what I’m feeling or thinking potentially impact others (my spouse, my children, me, those I am serving, etc)?
Our version
When all is said in done and you need to agree to disagree, ask yourself or each other WWJD…you remember that one, What Would Jesus Do?
Know that for every complex issue, there is a simple truth. For this challenge always remember
“A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. The tongue of the wise useth knowledge alright: but the mouth of fools poureth out foolishness.”
(Proverbs 15:1-2 KJV)