His Version…
When contemplating marriage, I had another love I was pursuing. Her first name was Suzuki. Her last name was GSXR-750. She was a sport bike and all it took was the money I had saved up for an engagement ring to make a nice down payment. My logic was to purchase the bike while I’m single and then my wife wouldn’t be able to say anything about it after we got married because it was something I already owned! But then I had an even better idea – purchase the engagement ring, propose and my wife would be so excited that I would be able to do anything, purchase anything and she wouldn’t mind. What in the world was I thinking? Fast forward into the first 5 years of marriage, I found myself missing Suzuki. I must have had at least one conversation…every month…for those first 5 years into marriage negotiating, bargaining, pleading my case to purchase this bike and I was always met with a simple “No”. When I pressed for a more detailed explanation, my wife explained that I was now married with two children and she was not trying to become a widow at such an early age. She made me realize I had a family to live for and she was not willing to weigh the risk of something happening to me which could result in her being a single mother and left to raise a family single-handedly. In other words, I had to make a sacrifice and go without something I desperately wanted in order to be a part of and care for something greater than myself.

My sport bike heartbreak reinforced the notion of “Me” impacting the “We”. When you declared, “I do” you also pledged to sacrifice a part of yourself in order to benefit the union with your wife. That sacrifice requires a set aside of your desires coupled with willingness to understand your spouse’s needs and ensure your actions help to support the growth and trajectory of your marriage.

Fellas, I am not saying you have to give up your hobbies, the guy trips, weekend hangouts or big ticket item purchases. However, you must weigh the impact your choices have on your spouse and marriage. Just because you can do something does not always mean that you should. Taking my story a bit further, what if I ignored my wife’s feelings and perspective about the bike and purchased it anyway? (Trust me…I thought about it!)

The consequence of my actions could have led to any one of the following:

• Death/dismemberment by motorcycle accident;
• Feelings of betrayal from my wife because I did not honor her wishes nor respect her feelings;
• Distrust;
• Spitefulness;
• Placing greater value on the bike versus my wife/marriage

Ask yourself the honest question, “Am I making the decisions that will get me from ‘Me’ to ‘We’ in my marriage?”

Her Version…
Imagine this…What if your spouse could actually read your mind and hear all of your thoughts? Boy, we would all be in trouble, and there would likely be no “We”!  Lucky for us, in our marriages we all operate with some level of self control, which is defined by Webster as “restraint exercised over one’s own impulses, emotions, or desires” i.e. – YOUR will power.

Let me try to illustrate this a bit better using something that most women enjoy — SHOPPING!!!  Think about the mall shopping hours during the holidays:

• Based on supply and demand – “what they have to sell and projected need” – (“the me”),
• Stores are flexible with their hours to accommodate shoppers – “me and you” – (“the we”),
• But more importantly the end game is to meet the companies’ (the greater good) sales projections or bottom line goals.

Why is it important in a marriage?

I believe that foundation of moving from “Me to We” or transitioning from self focused to mission focused require 3 tenants:

• The ability to understand yourself (“the me”) and the impact that you can have on your spouse/marriage (“the we”);
• Exercise self control consistently (more often than not) and;
• Be flexible and adaptable based on the needs of your marriage (the greater good).

Our Version…
So here’s a question for you, “What’s your bottom line goal for your marriage?

• For better or for worse?
• In sickness and in health?
• ‘Til death do us part?
• Fake it to you make it?
• May the best man/woman win?

Note to self… All but one of the above require a flexible mind set from both spouses.  Once you understand and identify the bottom line goal for your marriage, you must then ask yourself- What are you willing to do to ensure you meet that bottom line goal?