Fighting Fair: What have you done to contribute to the fight? What can you do/say to ensure a “fair fight”?

His Version

In last month’s blog, “What’s Love Got to Do With It?” I mentioned how my wife and I on more than one occasion had fussed and fought to the point to where we contemplated separating. In this month’s blog, I want to stay parked on the fussing and fighting part. Let’s face it, if you stay married long enough, you and your spouse are going to fight and some of those fights are going to get pretty intense. If you’re honest with yourself, two things have probably already occurred: 1.) You fought with your spouse and; 2.) You played a part in either contributing to and/or escalating the fight.

I recall a time where my wife and I were arguing (can’t remember what the argument was about) but I remember her telling me, “You make me sick!” and I quickly responded, “Well then go to the doctor.” We were heading somewhere together so you know that was a quiet car ride. But looking back on that argument, I first ask myself, “What did I do to contribute to that fight?” I’m sure I did something but my amnesia is kicking in again. What I do remember is that response I made. Certainly my response wasn’t good and probably a factor in escalating my wife’s anger. I believe that in order to fight fair, you must first recognize what you’ve done to contribute to the fight whether in action or words. Doing this should help to humble you during your point of anger and frustration but also put the fight in proper perspective and in some cases deter you from fighting altogether.
Second, James 1:19 tells us to be “quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger”. This is a great step to ensuring a “fair fight”. The last thing you want is to say or do something that you will regret. Through experience, some of the tactics I’ve used to fight fair are:
– Lowering my voice
– Not retreating from the fight
– Refrain from cursing
– Listening rather than over talking
– Being willing to apologize for my part in the fight but also challenging my wife to understand my point of view

I know this is all easier said than done and admittedly, it’s taken a lot of practice and we’re still not perfect but next time you sense a fight brewing, ask yourself, “What have I done to contribute to the fight?” and “What can I do to fight fair?”

Her Version 

When my hubby suggested we blog about “fighting fair”, I’ll admit my initial response was…”What kinda of questions/metaphors are these?”

In my mind these questions all sound like an oxymoron; Better yet, the questions were more like cliché topics that people who are NOT married or in a relationship discussed over dinner.

Be honest, when you are in the midst of a “heated debate”, who really thinks of these questions? And who wants to be reminded about what they should or should not do when they are pissed?

Immediately, I thought about that time Vince pissed me off and I actually told him to leave and take our youngest son with him. I was heated and I was determined that I was not going to be a struggling single mother with 2 kids. I was leaving the marriage with exactly what I entered with, code word meaning: MY biological son from a previous relationship.

Ohhh, not so nice, huh?!? Yeah I know now. However then, in my mind and in the heat of that moment, I felt justified in my thought process. But thinking back, what if my children would have heard that? How could a statement like that impact both my sons’ self-esteem or make either of them question their mother’s love for them? What’s my point? Let me ask it this way:

When you don’t make a conscious decision to fight fair, who are you potentially hurting?

Then I thought, my grandmother used to always say tell me “a gentle response turns away wrath.” Honestly, I never really understood what that meant until I said “I DO”.

What does this have to do with marriage? Well, given the fact I’ve had to live and learn just a little, I’d like to share my lessons learned. Note to self – my objective is only to share my experience with the hope of minimizing your risk of inadvertently impacting someone’s soul in a moment of haste.

So here goes, my 5 rules of engagement in a heated debates are:

1. Always PRAY before you begin the conversation.
2. You have to be honest with yourself, before you can be honest with anyone else.
3. Listen.
***Instead of thinking about your response to what the other person is saying
4. Be clear about what you need.
5. Focus on the issue at hand verses everything that happened last week that you fail to bring to their attention.

I challenge you, the next time you and your spouse get in a heated debate, stop and ask yourself,  how does what I’m feeling or thinking potentially impact others (my spouse, my children, me, those I am serving, etc)?

Our version

When all is said in done and you need to agree to disagree, ask yourself or each other WWJD…you remember that one, What Would Jesus Do?

Know that for every complex issue, there is a simple truth. For this challenge always remember
“A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. The tongue of the wise useth knowledge alright: but the mouth of fools poureth out foolishness.”
(‭Proverbs‬ ‭15‬:‭1-2‬ KJV)

His Version…There must be a million and one songs written on the topic of love and one could argue that every song is unique because of how the songwriter characterizes and illustrates what love is all about. No matter how much I enjoy listening to music, in my twelve plus years of being married, experience has led me to believe there is no universal definition for love.  For me, understanding the concepts and purpose around love requires me to reference the Bible and read what God’s Word says. 1 Cor. 13:4-8 is my blueprint.

It all sounds good, from song lyrics to God’s Word but,  “How in the world does love show up and show through in marriage?”

I cannot begin to tell you how many times my wife and I have fussed and fought and at one point thought about calling it quits. I’ve driven my wife to the brink of insanity at times and she’s returned the favor. I don’t always like my wife and she doesn’t always like me. BUT, I love my wife, and from a practical standpoint:

• Love is the thing that drives me to pray with my wife the next day despite our argument the night before.
• Love causes me to stop everything I’m doing to meet her at her point of need when she calls on me.
• Love forces me to stay in the house to fight as opposed to walking away, never to revisit the disagreement.
• Love requires my transparency when I have the urge to shroud myself in secrecy.

Husbands, I challenge you to ask yourselves, “What does love have to do with it [in your marriage]?”

Her Version…I still remember the words from our Pastor’s mouth, “The love that got you here is not the love that will keep you together.” Little did I know just how serious that phrase was to the sustainability of our marriage.  The Pastor went on explaining “EROS” – it’s erotic in nature it’s hot, like the booster jets on a rocket ship, it’s designed propel you to the altar, quickly, lol. I was thinking – now where is he going????

Looking back to our courtship it manifested itself in moments like:

• Intellectual conversations all day and all night (knowing you have a 8:30 meeting),
• Romantic dates all cuddled up sharing the same popcorn,
• Passionate kisses as he walks you to the door,
• And let’s not forget about the awesome sex.  ****Real talk**** if you are honest with yourself, many of you didn’t wait until you said “I do”, to do the do….So like I said it was the EROS – That got us to the altar.

So you fell “in love”, you said “I do”, now what?  The booster rockets are gone.  Well, here is what I’ve learned so far, after you say “I do” – love becomes a choice.

True love does not chose when to love or how much to love, it simply chooses to Love.

Webster defines love as “the unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another; Dr. Myles Munroe defines love as “an attitude of the heart.”  I’d like to merge and extend both definitions and leave you with my collection of thoughts.  Love is…

• More than emotion or feeling;
• Sometimes counter intuitive to what you might logically think or believe;
• The smooth dose of Eros, Phileo, Storage, and Agape, specially blended for you and your spouse.

Similar to the screws, metal, and other fixtures that hold a rocket ship together once it launches; Love is the adhesive that holds the marriage together overtime.

Our Version…Love shows up in marriage as the strongest attitude/emotion, trumping Anger, Disappointment, Jealousy, Spitefulness and Selfishness.

Love is greater than dislike and we ought not get the two confused.

Love is our choice.

It is choosing to change despite your desire to stay the same; it’s choosing to care for something greater than yourself; it’s choosing to deny yourself for the benefit of your spouse; it’s choosing humility over self righteousness; it’s choosing to “do” even when your heart and mind scream “don’t”.

It’s your turn, will YOU committ to choosing LOVE?

His Version…
When contemplating marriage, I had another love I was pursuing. Her first name was Suzuki. Her last name was GSXR-750. She was a sport bike and all it took was the money I had saved up for an engagement ring to make a nice down payment. My logic was to purchase the bike while I’m single and then my wife wouldn’t be able to say anything about it after we got married because it was something I already owned! But then I had an even better idea – purchase the engagement ring, propose and my wife would be so excited that I would be able to do anything, purchase anything and she wouldn’t mind. What in the world was I thinking? Fast forward into the first 5 years of marriage, I found myself missing Suzuki. I must have had at least one conversation…every month…for those first 5 years into marriage negotiating, bargaining, pleading my case to purchase this bike and I was always met with a simple “No”. When I pressed for a more detailed explanation, my wife explained that I was now married with two children and she was not trying to become a widow at such an early age. She made me realize I had a family to live for and she was not willing to weigh the risk of something happening to me which could result in her being a single mother and left to raise a family single-handedly. In other words, I had to make a sacrifice and go without something I desperately wanted in order to be a part of and care for something greater than myself.

My sport bike heartbreak reinforced the notion of “Me” impacting the “We”. When you declared, “I do” you also pledged to sacrifice a part of yourself in order to benefit the union with your wife. That sacrifice requires a set aside of your desires coupled with willingness to understand your spouse’s needs and ensure your actions help to support the growth and trajectory of your marriage.

Fellas, I am not saying you have to give up your hobbies, the guy trips, weekend hangouts or big ticket item purchases. However, you must weigh the impact your choices have on your spouse and marriage. Just because you can do something does not always mean that you should. Taking my story a bit further, what if I ignored my wife’s feelings and perspective about the bike and purchased it anyway? (Trust me…I thought about it!)

The consequence of my actions could have led to any one of the following:

• Death/dismemberment by motorcycle accident;
• Feelings of betrayal from my wife because I did not honor her wishes nor respect her feelings;
• Distrust;
• Spitefulness;
• Placing greater value on the bike versus my wife/marriage

Ask yourself the honest question, “Am I making the decisions that will get me from ‘Me’ to ‘We’ in my marriage?”

Her Version…
Imagine this…What if your spouse could actually read your mind and hear all of your thoughts? Boy, we would all be in trouble, and there would likely be no “We”!  Lucky for us, in our marriages we all operate with some level of self control, which is defined by Webster as “restraint exercised over one’s own impulses, emotions, or desires” i.e. – YOUR will power.

Let me try to illustrate this a bit better using something that most women enjoy — SHOPPING!!!  Think about the mall shopping hours during the holidays:

• Based on supply and demand – “what they have to sell and projected need” – (“the me”),
• Stores are flexible with their hours to accommodate shoppers – “me and you” – (“the we”),
• But more importantly the end game is to meet the companies’ (the greater good) sales projections or bottom line goals.

Why is it important in a marriage?

I believe that foundation of moving from “Me to We” or transitioning from self focused to mission focused require 3 tenants:

• The ability to understand yourself (“the me”) and the impact that you can have on your spouse/marriage (“the we”);
• Exercise self control consistently (more often than not) and;
• Be flexible and adaptable based on the needs of your marriage (the greater good).

Our Version…
So here’s a question for you, “What’s your bottom line goal for your marriage?

• For better or for worse?
• In sickness and in health?
• ‘Til death do us part?
• Fake it to you make it?
• May the best man/woman win?

Note to self… All but one of the above require a flexible mind set from both spouses.  Once you understand and identify the bottom line goal for your marriage, you must then ask yourself- What are you willing to do to ensure you meet that bottom line goal?

His Version

This is a subject topic that has always sparked endless debate between the husbands and wives. Many husbands have tried to use Eph. 5:22-24 and Col. 3:18 as validation to support their position that wives must do what they say with no debate or objection. In other words, the expectation is for wives to be obedient. So in the mind of the husbands, the logic may often look like this:
– My wife must be ready and willing to give me sex upon request.
– My wife is supposed to cook for me, wash my clothes and serve my meals.
– When I want to go out with the guys, I should be able to do so with no objection.
– My decisions are absolute and should not be questioned.

For husbands to place all the emphasis on Eph. 5:22 and Col. 3:18 and ignore the broader biblical text around these particular verses is to totally misunderstand what it means to submit. What about Eph. 5:21 which calls on husbands and wives to “[Submit] yourselves to one another in the fear of God”? What about Col. 3:19 which calls on husbands to “…love your wives and not be bitter against them”? Submission is not a one way street and it is not synonymous with obedience. Let me share this story:

One evening, my wife and I were facilitating a couples’ seminar and just as we were to begin, my wife looked at the power point presentation on my laptop and realized that it wasn’t projecting on the screen in a way that she thought would be most effective. She told me that there was another format it should be in for us to present. She immediately began “tinkering” with my laptop and asked me to turn off the overhead projector for a moment. Reluctantly, I did. During the five minutes it took her to adjust the format, I became upset! “How is she just going to change something up all of a sudden?” “There was nothing wrong with the way I had it.” “She doesn’t know what she’s doing and we need to get started.” “How dare she tell me to turn off the projector?” “She needs to just follow my lead.”

I thought all those thoughts and when I was done, so was my wife. She had adjusted the format which made the presentation even better! What is the lesson here?

– I had to submit to my wife and let her take the lead understanding that computers are her profession and she knows them much better that I ever will. By obeying her guidance, I trusted that whatever she did was for the improvement of our presentation.
– I had to be obedient in honoring and respecting what my wife was doing. In that moment, I understood what God needed me to do. It was not my place to be bitter against her. Rather, it was necessary to move out of my own way, cast my ego to the side and realize it was okay to submit to my wife.

I am the head of my house. I make the final decisions when it comes to my family and my wife submits in love, trust and obedience in what God has called her to do. But, in turn, I submit to my wife’s ideas, opinions and counsel and rely on her to be strong in areas where I am not. I need her to help me in the decision making process and I will obey what God has called me to do in loving her just as Christ loved the church. [see Eph. 5:25]

Her Version
Picture this, you are minding your own business, driving down the highway and lo and behold you look in the rear view mirror and you see an ambulance with its lights and sirens flaring.
What do you do? Well I bet you $100 bucks, out of respect for the lives of others and out of respect for the authority given to the emergency vehicle, you pull over and allow the emergency vehicle to pass you. So you SUBMIT i.e. yield to the power or authority of another.

Now stay with me… Same scenario except this time you look in the rear view mirror and you see the STATE TROOPER with its lights and sirens flaring. In compliance with the laws of the state and the authority given to the officer; AND out of fear of being chased or arrested by the officer you pull over. Here you OBEY i.e. comply with or follow the commands, restrictions, wishes, or instructions of authority.

As an individual SUBMITS to any authority, power, or position there will always be the existence of a special connection between the one who submits and the one in power.
This connection, be it:
– Love
– Admiration
– Respect
–for the authority given to the emergency vehicle
–for the lives of those in the vehicle
–for the role/position (mother, father, husband, pastor, president)

Or any other bond that connects the two; leads me to this conclusion – “Submission always starts internally, unlike obedience which is often driven by external forces”. If you are struggling with the concept of submission or submitting to your mate, take a look within, before focusing outward.

Our Version
In Ephesians‬ ‭5‬:‭21 – Husbands and Wives are both called to submit themselves to one another of reverence for Christ. What does this look like in a marriage? The next time your spouse/mate does XYZ… YIELD! You may already know the answer to the situation but yield, listen and support your spouse while they work through their thoughts.

You may have asked your spouse to do XYZ and you are tired of waiting but yield. If it’s not life threatening, pray about it, journal, meditate, do anything except nag your spouse and see what happens.

If you are saying, this never happens in my marriage or relationship, your spouse may be the one yielding more times than not, and you never had a clue. Challenge yourself, observe your interactions in your relationship and when tension arises try YIELDING!

His Version

Resilience. Now that’s quite a word! Not sure I knew how to spell it let alone understand its meaning. Webster’s Dictionary describes the word to be a root of the Latin word resiliens which means to jump back or recoil. The word resilient is synonymous with words like “springy”, “elastic” and “flexible”; able to withstand strain or stress without breaking or sustaining permanent injury.

But the question is, “What does being resilient look like in marriage?” I believe resiliency requires both spouses to reject the notions of a rigid heart and spirit when your marriage is being tested either through internal or external circumstances.  Resiliency calls for flexibility which results in an understanding of choosing your battles wisely; the willingness to listen and understand your spouse’s point of view and; openness to extending your spouse the same measure of mercy and grace that God extends to us daily. Such practices will give your marriage the elasticity it needs to be stretched but not broken.

Another question is, “How can husbands show resiliency in their marriage?” First and always is the need for prayer.  Having a solid prayer life is where we can find balance, strength and a peace which surpasses all understanding [Phil 4:7]. Second, husbands need to exercise patience with their wives and with their marriage. Everyday won’t be a good day and it’s no secret that there will be some rough roads along the marriage journey but refusing to give up on your efforts and your commitment will stretch your ability to confront those marital challenges head on. Lastly, communication is essential. Husbands must maintain a good line of communication with their wives. Through communication, feelings are shared, thoughts are conveyed and an atmosphere of “we” is created allowing husbands to partner with their wives to deal with the stresses that often attack the marriage.

Her Version

Have you ever taken a risk and things didn’t go the way you planned?  Better yet, what do you do when things don’t happen in the timing that you plan for them to happen? For instance:

• Getting that promotion at work;
• Your child’s graduation from college;
• Not meeting your personal record when running a race;
• That thing you have been bugging your spouse about like taking out the trash, having sex, folding laundry, etc…

Where there are one or more personalities living under the same roof, there will be more than one opinion, which often leads to some level of conflict, tension and/or resistance.

Why? Resiliency is required for the relationship to rebound or spring back to its original form.  Otherwise it loses its shape and it may no longer be able to fulfill its intended purpose.

What does this have to do with marriage?  Resiliency in marriage works like the elastic waist in pants when you have gone to a buffet and overeaten.  It provides room for the boundary (in this example the elastic pants waist) to be temporarily stretched but not broken or destroyed. Seriously, we all have sinned and fallen short, which means none of us are perfect.  Eventually we will all need to be given a little slack about something sooner or later.  So my motto is “forgive now because you will need to be forgiven later”. In other words, be flexible in your understanding, in your patience, in your willingness to forgive. Be resilient. Forgiveness is more about your faith and obedience to God rather than your trust and hope in the other person.

• Our Version

God, love, communication, patience, partnership, forgiveness and understanding are just a few “must haves” which lend to our ability to be resilient in our marriage; to “bounce back” and; to be “flexible as the elastic waist in a pair of pants” from anything the devil throws our way.

His Version…  I have researched a lot of Bible verses and have lost count of how many times I saw the word “truth”. The word is used in various contexts and the verses are full of guidance and wisdom. But my reading has led me to one verse in particular: Ephesians 4:25, “Therefore, putting away lying, ‘Let each one of you speak truth with his neighbor,’ for we are members of one another” (NKJV)

In the Merriam-Webster dictionary, “truth” is defined as a transcendent fundamental; the body of real things; facts.

But what does “truth” as expressed in Ephesians 4:25 mean with regards to marriage? I am convinced in my spirit that God intends for us to be our authentic selves (as my wife would say). In other words, in our marital relationships, we must be willing to speak that which is real. No fluff (again, as my wife would say). Some say the truth hurts and I will be the first to admit that it oftentimes does. But we owe our spouses a level of conversation that is raw, unfiltered, and transparent. We must exude confidence and communicate in love; being accountable but also holding our spouses accountable and; telling them what others will not. It is our responsibility to share the good, the bad and the ugly.

Truth also means your actions and your being should mirror that of which you speak. If you are saying or believing in one thing but engaging in actions that contradict, then perhaps you are being untruthful to yourself or more importantly, your spouse.

While recently listening to Bishop T.D. Jakes speak on TV, he said, “Don’t you wish you would have married the person you dated?” Think about that and ask yourself, “What is my truth?” and “How does my truth fit into my family values?”

Her Version…  So as I searched the web for the definition on “truth” I found several renditions. Here are 3 that struck a chord with me:

– A true or actual state of a matter: to tell the truth;
– A proven or verified principle or statement; fact;
– Accuracy, as in the setting, adjustment, or position of something, such as a mechanical instrument

It is the last definition that led to my response to the question that I ask myself but will pose to you, “What is your truth?”

What do you and your spouse use to help measure, guide and determine what is right when you don’t see eye to eye?  How do you agree to disagree without one or both spouses having an attitude?

Think about it…  In life, everything we do has some type of protocol; a guide or handbook to keep things in order.

When you take an exam, the measure of your success is guided by an answer key. When you go to court, the decisions made are guided by our Constitution. In school, both teachers and students follow a student handbook. In a sorority, there are by-laws to govern procedure.  But what about your marriage?

Without a standard, how do you guide your discussions? How do you know when those discussions have gone too far?

I even thought about my experience of learning to change a tire on my road bike while training for a triathlon. When filling up my tire, there is a number on the tire wall that tells what the optimal air pressure should be for the tire to operate effectively.

In marriage, there will be disagreements or “flat tires” along the way. The next time you encounter one, what will you use as a standard to help you properly adjust for optimal performance?

Our Version

As you ask the question, “What is your truth?” consider two things:

– The need to communicate in way that is raw but authentic; being accountable but holding your spouse accountable and;
– Identifying that guide, the standard used which helps set the tone as you uncover your truths in marriage.

Our guide, our standard is and always has been God’s Word and when we communicate, we strive to do so in truth and love.

Her Version….All these things pulling at you:

• Quiet Time
• Work
• Intimacy w/ Spouse
• Extended Family Time
• Children
• Me time
• Volunteering in the Community
• Ministry
• Friends
• House work

How do you find balance? Is it realistic to think you can find balance?
Society also has defined roles for male and female. Can you be everything to everyone?
I don’t know, but I decided to google the word “balance”. Here are a couple definitions I found:
      A condition in which different elements are equal or in the correct proportions or;
     Harmony of design and proportion.

Here is where I landed—
Let purpose and intent drive the proportion of time you allocate. Keeping in mind God’s umbrella protection noted in Ephesians 5:21 “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which He is the Savior.”

If balance is important to you and your family, think about being intentional and/or setting aside time to take care of it. An old professor always said, “If you fail to plan, you plan to to fail” so plan for it!

His Version…The Book of Ecclesiastes, Chapter 3, Verse 1 opens up with, “To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven.” (NKJV). Verses 2 through 8 tell us there is a time to exercise a range of emotions and/or execute various tasks. Those verses suggest to me that God in His infinite wisdom established an order, an appointed time for life events to occur. But I imagine His intent was also to establish an order regarding how we respond to life.

But what does that look like from a marriage perspective?  The Bible charges “Husbands to love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave His life for her…” Ephesians 5:25 (NKJV).

For me, this indicates the “secondary” focus must be on my wife. My primary focus is on God. I’ve come to understand through personal experience that when I am in right relationship with God and when my wife is content, the rest of my life seems to fall in line — balanced. The world is my footstool. I can accomplish my work goals. I can hang out and take trips with the guys. I can enjoy partaking in my hobbies and even spend time with myself.

However, balance for me means not doing so much outside of the house that the inside of my spiritual and marital house become compromised. That has occurred in the past and both God and my wife have called me out on it. I’ve learned to put work, friends and hobbies in the proper perspective. While important, they are less significant in comparison to the health and success of my marriage and spiritual relationship.

I sum up the ill effects of not having marital balance by recalling the words spoken by young man who performed at a poetry event my wife and I attended several years ago. He said, “If Daddy is not on time with Mommy and Mommy is not on time with Daddy then they end up having a child who is off schedule.”

Our Version
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. (Ephesians 5:21-32 NIV)

HER Version….Whether it’s excessive spending, playing video games, hanging out with the boys, snoring when he sleeps, holding a grudge, not tithing, and/or anything else you can think of. You can’t make some change just b/c you are uncomfortable.

Much like our God, my husband is not one to argue and/or force his will on anyone (including me). Having grown up in an environment where confronting the issue head on was expected, I was often frustrated when Vince just let things go and/ or acted like everything was fine.
After much time I realized that no matter what I said and/ or did I couldn’t change him or force him to do anything, much like my relationship with God. At some point I realized that the only person that I could control is me. If you want to see something different in your marriage, start by changing what you can control.

HIS Version….So the question was presented to us, “What didn’t you know about your spouse after saying ‘I Do’”? Admittedly, that is a question that gave me much pause for several reasons. Primarily, my wife is brutally honest and holds nothing back so I am confident that I entered our marriage with her full disclosure and knew what I signed up for.
But I challenged myself to sort of assess my wife over the past 11 years of our marriage to identify the things I didn’t know back in 2003 and then ask myself, “Has she changed?” The answer to that is a resounding yes! My wife has habits and behaviors that I was unaware of back in 2003 and had I known then what I know now, I still would have said “I DO”. The more important question is whether those habits and behaviors are a result of our marital experiences over time. To some degree, I would argue yes. As I’ve labored over this blog topic, I realized that the marriage institution is forever evolving and changing; shaped and determined by both internal and external circumstances and influences. Therefore, we too will change as we endure a broad breadth of emotions brought on by those circumstances and influences.
I can bear witness that my wife is not the same person I married back in 2003 and I don’t expect her to be. Admittedly, there are some mannerisms and behaviors about her that I may not particularly care for but they don’t compromise the core of who she is. They are not deal breakers. On the contrary, there are some things I’ve discovered about her which affirm that she’s everything I need in a wife.

Adopted as “Our Version”….I can sum this up by echoing a point that a good friend of mine posed years ago. He told me, “Your marriage will change. The question is can you and your wife change with it”? I would urge you to remember, “For better or for worse”

Her Version…Let me start out by saying, uncomfortable…is how I felt when Vince suggested this topic?!?  Why? I was taught that finances are a “personal matter, not to be discussed publicly”. But I managed to work through my feeling.

So… while attending the Women in Cable Telecommunication (WICT) conference in NYC, I’d decided to test the waters with our topic for this month – “What happens if she is the breadwinner?” What’s the impact? What advice would you offer to others?

Well, I thought, what better place than this conference full of women to gather feedback from successful women of many ethnicities, backgrounds, and ages? And yep, just like the diversity represented at the conference, the feedback collected was all over the place.  Here is some of what i heard.

When she is the breadwinner…

• What? Are we in competition?
  
• Yeah, he is the breadwinner, but without my credit, our interest rate on the mortgage would have been unbearable.
  
• It could really be a win-win, especially if it allows us both to do what we love.
  
• What’s mine is mine and what’s his is mine… So it’s no big deal. ***(My favorite)
  
• It’s better to stay single, b/c if something goes wrong, I would be pissed if he asked for anything that I’ve worked so hard to build.
  
• Men feel like they aren’t contributing and it can cause a huge ripple in the marriage…Sometimes even DIVORCE!
  
• If I stayed at home and He worked, would he feel like i was not contributing?

This feedback really made me think. Here goes…So personally I believe that there are others elements required to have a successful marriage. For starters, what works in one marriage may not work in others. It’s good to get advice from those around you but, this is a conversation that every couple should have (ALONE), hopefully before marriage. And if for whatever reason the conversation didn’t take place before you said “I do”, that’s okay.

Honestly, the only thing (other that God) around us that is constant is change. With the ups and downs in the economy, companies downsizing, and more women entering the workforce due to inflation, the pre-marriage agreement that you made could change at the drop of a dime. So, long story short, always be open and honest with your mate about your feelings and work together to determine what’s best for your family.

His Version…Okay, I’ve got a confession. My wife makes more money than I do. In fact, she’s always made more money than me, the Man, the Head Honcho, Big Daddy! How does that make me feel, you ask? Honestly, it’s never been an issue for me. That might sound odd to most men but my answer in grounded in two things:

1. A profound understanding of who I am in God’s order. “For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.” [EPH 5:23 KJV]
   
2. A holistic perspective on what it means to provide.

God has purposed me to be the head of my marriage and thus the head of my house and if you continue on in Chapter 5 of Ephesians (and any other book in the Bible) you will not find any language where God requires man to earn a certain dollar amount as a prerequisite to lead or provide for his family. But what does it mean to provide?

We as men are wired to be providers. It’s our calling. It’s how God made us. We define ourselves and allow others to define us by the type of jobs we have which most often correlate with how much money we earn. But when we come up against our better half who already (or may soon) earn more than us, we tend to lose ourselves. We suddenly feel vulnerable and begin to question our ability to provide. Our frustration from a bruised ego may manifest itself through petty arguments or sly comments directed toward our wives.

Experience has taught me to take a holistic perspective on what it means to provide. The dictionary defines the word as, “making arrangements for supplying means of support”. While I’m not the primary breadwinner, I had to learn and understand that if I failed to provide, my wife could fall short in emotional, spiritual, physical and mental support; not to mention a diminished sense of security. The takeaway from my perspective is challenging you to provide for your wife in the following ways:

• Listening and Communication with your wife
• Daily prayer with your wife
• Intimacy with your wife
• Partnering to complete daily chores/tasks around the house
• Actively participate in all day to day responsibilities regarding the child[ren].

Our Version...Remember when you say/said your vows….I, ____, take you, ____, to be my lawfully wedded(husband/wife), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.

With that, there is not a single solution to this scenario. Communicating with your mate is the first step to figuring out your options as a couple. Second, be sensitive to your mates position, as he/she might be dealing with messages embedded during their childhood or pressure from societies expectations. Last, keep in mind marriage is not 50/50, it’s not a roommate situation where everything is split down the middle (bills, dinner tabs, time spent with kids a week, etc). Marriage actually requires 100 percent from each partner. If each of you agree to concentrate on bringing your WHOLE SELF to the table, you might find that your unique composition compliments one another to equal “Your Marriage”.

If a third party is needed seek counseling. It may even be in both of your best interest to get a pre-nuptial.

His Version….As my wife Monica and I took a much needed but well deserved trip to Ocho Rios, Jamaica, we (okay, she) decided that being away on vacation would be a perfect opportunity to randomly poll couples on their perspective of communication during the “not so good” chapters in marriage.

Admittedly, I was at first reluctant and thought to myself, “who wants to be bothered by some stranger randomly asking thought provoking questions?” After all, this was the best opportunity to “dumb down” for a few days and not have to think critical thoughts. But the more Monica talked about this short homework assignment and reminded me of the purpose behind it all, I agreed. Got to start somewhere!

We agreed that she would poll the women and I would poll the men and together we would share some insights from a “his” and “her” perspective. Of course, I’m giving you the “his” perspective.

I talked to several men during my vacay and presented the following questions:
1. Following an argument, after the cool down period, what do you do to initiate conversation?
2. Rate the importance of communication in marriage and explain “why”?
3. What are some of the guidelines and guardrails you have established when communicating?
The responses I received were surprising but also familiar at the same time. Let me explain with a bit of transparency.

I have been happily married for 11 years. The first few years, like many marriages, things were a bit rocky. So much so, the rocky times almost had my marriage on the rocks! But, glory to God, Monica and I have been able to rebound and keep it together. Now, I dare not speak for her. The one thing that I’ve learned is I must be responsible for my own faults and shortcomings. In order to do that, I had to recognize what they were. First, I am a poor communicator at best. Quite ironic when you consider my law degree combined with a human resource background wrapped up in extroverted traits and characteristics. I can talk to anyone and if put to the test, could probably sell water to a whale. But when it comes to Monica…crickets. I cannot hold my own when we are in verbal conflict. The white flag goes up and I shut down.

Second, I’m a fleer. In other words, I like to walk out when things aren’t going so good.  A strong sense of how detrimental such actions were to my marriage combined with Monica threatening to separate from me should I keep fleeing was a quick remedy for such behavior and I cleaned that up fast. While I have not completely escaped that urge when Monica and I are at odds, I am careful to flee while inside the house rather than outside the house. So there you have it. I am a poor communicator when having to talk to my wife and I like to flee, albeit in the confines of my own home.

Now let’s get back to the feedback I received based upon my questions and the insights shared. From the small sample of men I interviewed, a majority of them admitted to doing little to nothing, if anything at all to initiate conversation following an argument. Quite frankly, when I asked the question of “what do you do to initiate conversation”, I received the famous blank stare. Quite frankly, I am also guilty of giving such a stare. One of the men (let’s call him Jim) noted that he waits for a reasonable time, but not too long, for the cool down period to take its course before approaching his wife to discuss the issues around the argument. Jim, who coaches women’s basketball, recalled a time where he got on one of his players for making a bad play during practice. Minutes later, Jim resumed coaching the practice. A few months later, Jim noticed that the same player whom he criticized was not as responsive to his coaching as she once was and acted differently. Jim says that when he spoke to the player about her behavior, she informed him that she was still upset over the episode where he criticized her for making a bad play months earlier! Jim admits to being surprised by what his player said. Jim acknowledged that he had forgot all about that episode and moved on.

Jim says that in the context of marriage, we act similarly. In other words, we will verbally spar with our spouse but we get over it, move on quickly and the event becomes a distant afterthought. Women on the other hand may tend to internalize what was said and/or done in an argument. Oftentimes, the women have not forgotten and don’t feel the same as we do about moving forward until the issues around what caused the argument are discussed.
During a small roundtable discussion, three men (let’s call them Danny, Chris, and Les) acknowledged and agreed that communication is vitally important in marriage. Furthermore, they agreed that if there is little to no communication, it can lead to other issues.
Danny expressed the importance of being heard when communicating with his wife. He said that he does not like conflict in his marriage but agreed that it is a necessary part of being married and it will occur from time to time. Danny explained his wife does not always take time to hear and understand his side during communication and this in turn leads to him to shut down.
Chris agreed with Danny’s point and added that if gaps in communication are not identified and fixed, it can cost one’s marriage.
Les noted that communication is very important and due to the demands of his job which often keeps him away from home, he has to be creative with how he opens the door to communicate. Les admits that he enjoys cooking and is the primary cook in his household so he likes to cook a nice dinner for his wife and communicate over food.
Danny, Chris and Les agreed that communication with their wives is a constant work in progress.

As for the guidelines and guardrails when communicating, Jim stressed that we must not allow ourselves to go to bed angry not having communicated over the issue at hand. Easier said than done but Jim warns not to let too much time pass by before communicating through the issue.
Danny, Chris and Les said they have not established any unique guardrails or guidelines when communicating with their wives. I got the sense that it’s difficult for we men to establish something for which we don’t like to do – engage in a deeper level of communication. I could tell that this particular question would have Danny, Chris and Les pondering the possibilities going forward and preparing for the next opportunity to communicate.

Her Version…. Think back to a situation in your marriage that has caused you pain. If you are married, I’m sure you didn’t have to think back very far, lol 🙂

In preparing to write on this topic I set out to interview a few women to better understand what others thought. Women shared scenarios ranging from their spouse getting frustrated when they give them feedback, a spouse that is physically present but not actively engaged, dealing with an ex, unsuccessfully trying to conceive, to overcoming infidelity in the marriage.  What did others do to overcome it?

They told me things like:

• Communication was the key
• Both spouses have to want their marriage
• Counseling (both individual and together)
• Listening when your spouse talks to you
• Not blaming the others
• Authenticity
• Being honest with my self first
• Not focusing on what you want
• Concentrating on giving
• Assigning specific task
• Being open to feedback
• Don’t always listen on the defensive
• Acknowledge / Reward progress
• Hold back from the negative feedback

After digesting all the comments/suggestions I’m convinced – Regardless of the scenario there was a common thread to what was done to work through both the issue and the pain. If I had to bucketize (is this really a word, lol) all the feedback I would use these three characteristics to describe what effective communication looks like in a marriage:

1. Vulnerability,***Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness. (Brene Brown)
2. Listening for understanding (not thinking about your rebuttals), and
3. Owning the problem and the solution together.

What tangible advice would they offer to another couple?
1. Be clear about whatever it is (I.e. roles and responsibilities, your feeling, your needs, your perception based on your experiences, your pain)
2. Write it down and be intentional about follow up activities to discuss progress. Schedule regular family meetings (couples’ meetings) to discuss or review the following:
– What were the goals?
– How did we do?
– What are our goals next week?

Then I heard a the word that caused butterflies in my inner being. That word was Covering?!?! All kinds of questions starting flowing through my mind.
What does this mean? What does it look like? How is it modeled in a marriage?Why is it important?

During my quiet time, I was reminded of an incident that occurred earlier this summer that made it clear for me. About a month ago, our son had an issue at work where his boss physically put his hands on him. Jalen knew if he called Vince and I we would cover him and handle the situation. He was confident that we would show up, actively support him, chastise him for his contribution to the conflict, but nevertheless we would stand along side him until the issue was resolved (unconditional love). That brings me to item number three ~ 3. Women need to know that they are covered. Why?

The perception of and/or lack of covering (protection) directly impacts trust. Broken trust can cause pain and if not properly managed it can negatively manifest itself in a marriage, by way of a hurting spouse. Remember, hurting people hurt people. Don’t let pain reck havoc in your marriage – keep the lines of communication open and work together to address conflict.

Our Version…. First and foremost – Pray TOGETHER before and after any discussion where you have differing opinions.  When communicating through the pain, remember…. 

• It’s important not to delay communication,
  
• Listen to what your spouse is sharing with you, and
  
• Find a place of agreement to reach a resolution.

Finally, be intentional and set aside time to check your partners’ love tank.